The relationship with a narcissist, how to know if our parent is a narcissist and so much more about narcissism. how we can heal from the abuse we sustained from those relationships.
Five ways you can heal from narcissistic abuse
if you didn’t know, being in any type of relationship with a narcissist means that we could have been gaslight, manipulated, put down and made to think that any bad thing that was happening was our fault. And that’s just to name a few of the ways we could have been harmed. Obviously, this type of abuse can leave us wondering, what happened? Thinking where to blame and possibly struggling to know who we are.
Best way to Heal Narcissistic Relation
And it leaves us feeling traumatized. The best way to move past this and begin to heal is to go limited or no contact with the narcissist. I know that that can be hard and we can feel really bad about doing it, but remember all the situations where they lied, manipulated or neglected you and stay the course. It does get easier with time. Now regardless of what our relationship was like.
Five way to handle this situation
the amount of abuse we were exposed to, I want to offer five ways that we can headland get our life back after ending the unhealthy relationship.
Acknowledging that the abuse happened
Number one, acknowledging that the abuse happened. When we’ve been gaslight or manipulated for a while, Whatever we were told by her abuser can start to slowly weigh on us and we can begin to agree with them and end up internalizing it. Meaning that we accept it as fact, or like thinking that it’s our own belief by acknowledging that it was abuse, that we sustained, we not only shed light on what happened, but also recognize that how we felt originally was correct. One way to start acknowledging the abuse is to journal about our past experiences, you knew it was coming. Talk about what happened, what we remember, what they said to us about it, and then talk about this in therapy. Sometimes if we write things out, as we remember, and then talk to someone and talk them through it, we can recall certain parts of the situation that were hurtful, abusive, or even manipulative. Your therapist can help shine a light on some of that. But in my experience, even telling someone out loud, what happened, gives us another perspective. And while we can second guess if we’re remembering it right, we will start to see that maybe we weren’t fully to blame or it’s possible that it didn’t happen the way that they said it did. This entire process can help us validate our feelings and experiences and hopefully help us see outside of the abuse and lies that we were told. I know it’s hard, but keep writing, thinking and talking about it because remember hurtful and abusive things only grow stronger in the dark and secret. Shedding light on them and speaking about them out loud, ‘causes them to lose their power. It’s really hard at first, but trust me, when I tell you that it is so freeing and healing.
we have to grieve or mourn the loss
Next, we have to grieve or mourn the loss. And I know this may sound crazy, but even abusive relationships are still relationships. And when they’re gone or lost, we can feel really sad about it. People assume that just because abuse took place, we must hate them or be angry. But often we just feel sad, we miss them, and maybe we still love them. Even though we know that it’s best that we aren’t together in a relationship and ignoring these feelings, isn’t going to make us feel any better, but allowing ourselves to feel the loss and grieve all that we had hoped the relationship could be is helpful. Not to mention that narcissists can love bomb us, which can make us feel intensely, cared about and loved. We can get overwhelmed by the amount of attention and affection they’re showing us. And we can start imagining just how wonderful of a love story or friendship this is going to be.
All of these dreams and beliefs that we had need to be grieved. So know that it’s okay to miss them, wish things were different. And to still love them, just don’t forget why it ended and that you are better off without them. And the abuse that they come along with, we could also maybe need to grieve the loss of who we were before the abuse happened. Many patients have felt like something was taken from them when they were abused and they hate that it’s tainted the way that they look at the world and relationships in general. Allow yourself the time to grieve that recognizes what you feel you’ve lost and consider. If there are ways that you can get that back. And if not, process that loss and upset.
I know this part is really hard and we can want to run away from all that we feel but trust me when I tell you, it’s actually better for us. If we let the grief come on now and have our therapist support us through it, rather than stuffing it down now and having it pop up later, when we’re maybe dealing with something else. Overall, I just want you to know that however you feel during this time, its okay, this is your recovery process. And it’s okay to feel a whole mix of emotions about tithe third step is to break past patterns.
And I know, easier said than done. But in order for us to not get back into another abusive relationship or ended up meshed with someone later on, we’re going to have to break those patterns now. And the first part of this is to start recognizing some of the patterns of behavior that we have in our relationships. This could be us recognizing our struggle to place and uphold boundaries with others, or maybe our constant need for approval. It can even be our difficulty in admitting when a relationship isn’t good. And we keep hoping that they’ll prove us wrong and we give them way more chances than they deserve while we try to figure out these patterns know that it’s okay to need to lean on our therapist for guidance with this.
It can be hard to know what’s healthy or not when we’ve been under a narcissist spell for so long’s let them help you figure out what you’re doing as a result of the past abuse and guide you towards a healthier way of having relationships. It will be uncomfortable at first, but know that when we’ve been in an abusive relationship for a long time, it’s best that we’re a little bit uncomfortable. Doing this takes time, but it’s important and can help keep us out of another harmful relationship. And I do believe that it’s best to do this work when we’re single and not starting any new relationships, whether that is friendships or romantic ones, it allows us to see things more clearly when we’re single and make better decisions early on in those relationships.
Heal from the trauma
My fourth step is to heal from the trauma. I don’t know who needs to hear this, but narcissistic abuse is a traumatic experience. When someone we care about hurts us physically, emotionally, or sexually it is going to take time and effort to process through what happened and heal from it. Finding a mental health professional to help us put what happened into a timeline or story as well as help us talk it through and validate all we felt and went through is really important right now. And I know it’s hard work and it can feel slow and be really frustrating at times, but stick with it. Whether it’s adding on EMDR, trauma-focused CBT, schema therapy, or any other style of trauma therapy, get in it and keep at it because with proper support, it can and will get better.
And finally, number five, reclaim yourself. Being ourselves wasn’t allowed for so long but it can take us some time to figure out who we are without someone else calling all the shots. It’s finally okay to do what we want. Say no to things we are interested in and just be us. And that can be hard at first. We may not know who we are or what we want. Talk this out with your therapist, try new things and push yourself to start making small decisions. Maybe like what or where to eat. Don’t ask anyone else for their input; make that decision on your own. And making these small decisions will help build up our confidence, make us feel good about what we’re doing and slowly but surely we can begin making bigger decisions without anyone else’s say so.
And before we know it, we’ll have a better idea of what we like and don’t like have experiences to support those beliefs and start to get to know ourselves in an honest and loving way. I know it’s hard to break free from any abusive relationship and narcissistic ones can be particularly difficult, especially because they try to tell us that we’re to blame, gaslight us so that we don’t think we can trust our own memories or thoughts, and they never apologize for what they’ve done. But give these tips of try; continue to go limited or no contact with the narcissist. And trust me when I tell you that your life will get better. And as always, if you have any other tips that you want to share or offer up